AN EPISODE

And the episodes are coming again and I have to spend hours of thinking about a million things at once. I’m getting tired of it. And I hate it. And I just want to get through this and stop myself from overthinking. It’s stressing me out! How can I stop myself from being over sensitive, for getting easily disappointed, for being anxious about everything? How can I expect other people to understand me if I don’t even understand myself?

And again, I am disappointed with myself for being disappointed. I hate myself for hating myself. I am tired of getting tired but not doing anything about it. And why do I have to always think about myself? Why do I have to be so over dramatic with all the little things in my life and make a big mess out them?

When will I grow up? Why do I have to grow old and feel alone? To feel that I don’t belong?
When will I be able to understand myself? Or to find myself amidst the painted crowd? How can I move on when I don’t even try to move forward?

And why do I keep asking myself these questions without even trying to find the answers?
I guess I’m just tired. And I’m stupid. And right now my mind is full of words that I won’t ever speak of. Questions are floating in my head. Answers are crumbling down.

Sigh. That’s all I can do before negative thoughts fill my head. Before unwanted feelings fill my empty heart. Before pain pricks my numb soul.

Right now, I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed of not being able to do something that I can be proud of. I feel ashamed of just thinking about myself. I feel ashamed of not being considerate to others. And I feel ashamed of wanting to be understood without doing the same to others.
And now I am in love. Deeply in love with a special person who literally makes my heart skip a beat. And for him I want to change.

So I told him this morning that I want to start over our relationship with no secrets and lies and make it better. But he told me things that hurt me. It hurts not because he wanted to. He told me what he feels not with what I'm suggesting but how I am as a boyfriend. I got disappointed with myself because I realized that what he was telling is the truth and I dont have the right to be mad at him for doing so. I cant be mad at him. I will never be mad at him.

I am now fully aware I became unfair. Thinking about my feelings without considering his. For sure I have hurt him emotionally several times and I feel guilty just thinking about it! What can I do to make up for it?

I want to scream. I want to scream silently while tears draw lines on both cheeks. I want to feel pain physically. I want to kill my mind and forget everything.

I want to forget everything except him. Except my baby. My love. My life. World. My everything. He’s the only one I’ve got. He’s the only one I am living for. Without him, living will be black and white. Music will just be sounds. Poems will just be words. Love will just be pain.

So I need to change. I need to be who I was before. Before I let people in. Before I let the world corrupt me. Before I let love conquer every inch of me. Before who I am today.

But change is a long road. I have travelled so far and going back won't be easy for sure. However I have to try. I want to give myself another shot of proving my worth. I want to go back as far as I can get to save myself from drowning inside my own mind. To find my way inside me. To remove the masks I have been using everyday. To simply become me.

I still feel very emotional now that it's still raining outside. But I'm tired so I'll stop this drama. I'm tired and so I'll stop.

I'll stop.

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